Oh, how the following resonated with me! “Looking back on my childhood, I don’t remember any secrets. I just remember not talking about certain subjects such as sex, money and religion. My family also had trouble communicating about love, fear, insecurity and anger. Years later, my husband, children and I didn’t share at all. We didn’t even argue. We thought we were respecting each other by swallowing our thoughts and feelings about potentially hot topics. Actually, we were all emotionally frozen.”
Many of my feelings were frozen for years. Prior to my major depression and anxiety diagnosis, I was unaware of the strong emotions I held inside. Mad, sad and glad were the only sentiments I expressed. Through the aid of counseling, self-help books, courses and personal reflection, I came to realize how much I stuffed my feelings of anger, abandonment, rejection and shame… just to name a few.
When asked, “How are you doing?” I’d answer with, “I’m fine.” My counselor pushed me to be more specific. He presented me with a feelings chart that helped me recognize and label my emotions and what was going on in my head. As I identified my true feelings, and talked about them in a safe environment all those frozen sensations began to defrost. I came to realize that being “FINE” implied I was really, “Freaking out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.”
Many of us deny our feelings and simply react to them without thinking. We may even rationalize our feelings as being inconsequential, or the responsibility of someone else. Instead of owning our feelings by saying, “I feel angry” or “I feel upset”, we say, “I’m so mad at Sam for …” or “You make me upset!” Or… we just explode. We project the source of our emotions onto someone or something else.
By denying our feelings we deny our responsibility for them and we miss the opportunity to learn more about ourselves. We also deny the unhealthy ways in which we respond to them. Responding adversely to our feelings with blame and retribution increases stress levels all around, leading to hurt, misunderstanding and broken relationships. When we deny, or respond negatively to what we are feeling we lose the opportunity to learn, to grow and to connect well with ourselves and others.
It’s OK to have feelings. They’re a real reflection of what’s happening inside of us. There’s no morality in feelings, only in how we respond to them. Unpleasant reactions to our emotions signals that something is wrong. Expressing feelings through negative and unruly behaviour is not healthy for us. Searching for the root, or cause of the feeling is a healthier choice not only for ourselves, but for our relationships and our wellbeing.
Regardless of what you learned as a child; no matter what you saw role-modeled; you can learn to address your emotions in appropriate ways. You can learn what your feelings are telling you about your needs and wants as you begin to recognize them, connect with them, own them, feel them, express them, release them and be done with them. To do so you first need to be aware of them. Stay in touch with the diverse feelings you may be experiencing by downloading your copy of the FEELINGS CHART and the FEELINGS TABLE.